Never mind the Swine flu there's a new threat to worry people sick now, apparently there's a Primate virus on the loose with symptoms that include prolific hair growth around one's Arse, masturbating in public and polishing off that hand of Bananas you've just picked up in Morrisons before you get to the checkout, be very afraid but also be reassured that the Labour government will come to your house and wipe your Arse for you when you get the shits, their motto, "We're here to save you so that you may come to love us once more".